Jealous
As well as learning how to screenprint, we fed our neighbours’ cats this weekend – both the ever-so-friendly white cat next door and the two huge timid-but-getting-friendly black & white chaps next door but one. We feed them quite regularly because our neighbours are social divas & jetsetters – but don’t mind a bit because it only takes five minutes and we get lots of cat hugs as “payment”. I always come back covered in white fluff and get sniffed accusingly by the dog & our (black) cats.
But feeding the cats does have one negative aspect for me: jealousy.
Next door’s house can only be described as a show home. They bought the rundown house cheaply before the boom and spent a huge amount of money refitting it completely. It looks like something from a magazine – the seamless granite worksurfaces buffed to perfection, the wet room sparkling, the guest bedroom like a suite in a boutique hotel. A lovely combination of pristine modern design and wonderful reclaimed vintage items.
Next-door-but-one’s isn’t as expensively polished but my, it’s lovely. It’s more shabby chic – which is more my preferred style – with the emphasis on the chic not the shabby. Muted red & white lino squares set on the diagonal in the kitchen, mismatched dining table chairs, pale walls with coloured woodwork and original (Victorian) features up the wazoo. It feels cosy but relaxed, like a home should.
Can you see why I feel jealous?
A number of my friends have really nice homes but there is something about our neighbours’ houses, particularly next-door-but-one, that really gets to me. I think it’s because, while the layouts are surprisingly different and we have a side extension, the houses are structurally the same so it feels like we could have such gorgeous houses if we threw enough time/money at it. … But what we’ve got – and especially what we’re slowly working on making our own – is fine, more than fine, great in fact.
It feels a bit like what happened with the Kindle a while ago – a desire for something being built up through repeat exposure, not because of a genuine need but it’s shown me what’s possible. Because I generally avoid the broadcast & print media, don’t enjoy browsing/being in shops, and shy away from “stuff” blogs or websites (the only blogs about pretty “stuff” I read are ones showing you how to make said lovely things), I’m not regularly exposed to things that provoke desire in this way. It scares me that these houses, which are not using psychological tricks to sell me things, provoke such a strong emotion: it makes me realise how vulnerable I would be to advertisements, or style magazines.
I find myself thinking about what our house is not – stylish, polished, finished – rather than what it is (a place for us to be happy together, and we are very happy here).
I’m not sure how I’ll get over it, or at least learn to deal with it. Perhaps I should do the self-esteem building/depression-beating trick of writing a list of positive aspects, things I like, about our house to review whenever I’m feeling jealous of the other people’s houses or whatever.
Any other suggestions on how to deal with it?
(Photo by namida-k)
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Attack of the Crochet Claw
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Someone, who shall remain nameless, has just suggested to me:
Um, no.
Yes, this is difficult. I don’t know if they are live on credit types; if they are, we say to each other “Ours is paid for” which helps. (Not the house but the bathroom, kitchen, dining table etc).
Another thing we do is compare ourselves to the majority of mankind who have far less than us, not more. Also I am disabled and can’t work and my OH has to work part time to care for me but I know that even if we were both able to earn lots of money we wouldn’t; we would still live simply. Therefore I try to look on our circumstances as our choice; we can’t have our free time to cook, preserve, garden, volunteer AND have loads of money.
The other thing I would say is that EVERYBODY has something others could envy; maybe they envy you.
ARR..but do they appreciate what they have got louisa ..envy is not so terrible..i found out that most of my friends are envious of me..why??? i was dumb founded…i have very little money,have constantly dirty finger nails from gardening and shop in charity shops..they are envious because i am living..and so are you babe..envy is not so bad..sometimes a healthy dose of it can be good for you..it can make you more determined,make you creative..it did me..i envied my SIL Cath Kidston cushions..silly i know…but i couldn’t afford them..so i searched and searched for some similar fabric and had a bash at making them..now they grace my living room and are lovely because they were made by me..just like your lovely bits of crochet and knitting are made by you..in fact i will confess to something here louisa..i envy you..you have a beautiful home,huge garden,you live near trees(thats my dream to live in a wood or near one)you have a stream and you can crochet,knit,make cheese and do your own thing..thats something to be proud of..don’t worry about your neighbours..they might envy you hun..you have a lot going for you..don’t forget that…
take care
sara
I know what you mean. Friends of mine, lovely people-and I always come back depressed after a visit to their home. But I don’t have their income. I don’t have a good answer, wish I did! Thinking of the good things in my life helps, and reminding myself that we all have problems.
The houses in my neighborhood are also built on a similar plan, so I hear you there. But I don’t have the same income as my neighbors.
And I second the wee bit jealous of you post. You can do so many things! I don’t live in the country anymore, and don’t have the time or energy to do a lot of the things I’d like to do.
All right, one thing that always helps-whenever I learn to do something, or use what skills I have to create something-oh, the sense of accomplishment and satisfaction! I can’t buy my daughter a wii, and she doesn’t have a huge room. But I-at her request- redid her water shooter rifle into something steampunk, and she was thrilled. I don’t have the big veggie garden I want, but I’m slowly turning a bit of my yard into a place to relax-you should see the pile of overgrown brush I sawed down!
Let’s you and I keep thinking of what we already have and what we can do, and perhaps that will do it.
O, envy is a terrible thing and I haven’t really, completely got over it despite years of mind training in Spirituality. It can only be alleviated when the realisation dawns that however much you have there will still be things that you want (not need of course, just want) and that having them doesn’t ever make you happy or fulfilled. Only loving yourself and having other people who love you can stop the feeling. That and not being exposed to too much temptation. *Sigh* Best of luck.
I like to use those jeslous feelings to appreciate how luck I am that people around me have things I like so if I ever actually NEED anything I’m likely to be able to borrow etc. For example: I used to borrow a neighbour’s dog to walk where I wouldn’t be comfortable/safe walking alone, win-win and no vet bills for me!
We need good variety in the community for it to be sustainable, no joy in everyone being the same!!
We had a neighbour when I was a child. Every inch the “keeping up with the Jones’ type”. She had a deprived childhood, and was very keen on the trappings of outward success to make up for that. If we got stap on roller skates for Christmas, her boys would got boot ones. When we got a new deep freeze, she damaged the lid of hers so she could get a new one. She was never happy because nothing was ever enough and she couldn’t be pleased for others. She traded in the husband eventually, which was sad, but he’s happier now.
You’ve recognised a small problem, and I don’t think it’s all that bad, which is a start.
When I get a bit wanty I think of our neighbour and how it was never enough. I would really love to be able to recognise and rejoice in ENOUGH.
My kids both flew the nest recently and we thought of all the things we could do with the house-guest bedrooms, tidy kitchen, the bathroom to ourselves, clean carpets, then exotic menus, wine with dinner…But we still live in a cluttered mess(though we do have wine with dinner), so I guess its just the way we are, and the best bit is the kids still come round for dinner (no exotic menus)and leave their mark on the house.
When my husband and I were first married, used to be envious of my neighbors houses too. It helped me to think of what I had to do to get the same things that they had– it would mean that I couldn’t stay home with my kids, that I wouldn’t have money saved for retirement, that I’d be stuck in a job that I hated, and my marriage would probably not survive the stress. Yes, I might have nice things but those “nice” things weren’t worth the price I would have to pay.
You mentioned the key to making your home your own – time! How much longer have they been at it than you – 5 years? 10? When you live a frugal life – things you want take time and sometimes you wait to do them. The other thing is that when you sit in your own home – it is easy to see only the things that need to be done. You don’t have that when you look at someone else’s pile. I know this used to happen to me a lot – and it still surfaces every now and then. I just have to remind myself every now and then that I do enjoy the getting there.
Thanks for all your fantastic comments, guys!
Attila and sara – thanks so much for your kind words, I wasn’t looking for complements, honest ;). Attila, yes you’re right that everyone is envious of someone for something, even if they don’t realise it, and as sara says, a little envy isn’t all bad. John’s just read a book about the nature of desire and apparently it explains how some types of desire is essential for society’s development — not necessarily me craving my neighbours’ kitchen floor but I need to recognise which envy to act on and which is suppress, rather than just trying to suppressing it all.
bookstorebabe – steampunk water pistol? how fun! And like with your garden, yes, I really should focus on what we have achieved in the 18 months we’ve been here, not what we haven’t.
Albedo – John reads a lot about Zen Buddhism and related subjects (hence the book above) and I learn about it by osmosis. I think there are two things for me to focus on coming from those philosophies – to work on being comfortable with myself and situation, and to gain “control” over my reactions – to appreciate the niceness of the homes without feeling envy or feeling bad about our own home in contrast. Easier said than done though!
Linda: that is a good point. We do all bring our own stuff & skills to the terrace!
Taphophile: that’s a great story to remember — almost like a real life parable! — fitting in with what Albedo said too. I have known people like that too – definitely something that I’d like to avoid.
Jan: Ha! yes, we’re the same – before we moved in here from our untidy, scruffy tiny house, we were adamant we’d keep this one clean and tidy. This is my desk right now:
So as you can see, we’ve not exactly stuck to it! That’s just how we are too. While I do believe we could still improve slightly, I think it’s unrealistic to expect a complete change and is only going to end in disappointment.
Cat: yes, I completely agree. I don’t know the financial positions of my neighbours (I know what jobs they do but no more than that) but I do know that if I had a more spendy-wanty-wanty lifestyle, I’d have far less freedom in my life right now. That’s one of my main frugality drivers actually.
Karen M: yes, good point – if I’m going to do any comparisons at all, it should be with their houses now and ours in five years time ;)
Similar to what Cat said, whenever I see someone else’s beautiful house, I think of what it would cost me, but not in terms of money – in terms of effort to keep it looking nice. Housework and I don’t get on too well!
Oh I definitely see that too! I’d feel so guilty if my house was a showhouse like next door – I’d never be bothered to do it justice so it would feel like a waste of money making it that pretty.